Baby, Baby Blues
Jan. 3rd, 2011 05:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j_gabrielleFic: Baby, Baby Blues
Pairing: YeWon
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Mpreg. Yes. MPREG.
A/N: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yesungholic's birthday which I gorgeously missed and so this is a very belated birthday present. Don't get too used to this. I'm only putting this one up for her. Anyhoo~ Anyone wanna help us trend #keybert on Twitter? ^U^ I swear. It'll all be super fun.
Summary: "Trust him to be intuitive (possibly a little bat shit crazy) enough to procure some DIY pregnancy tests (he just grabs one of each brand from the pharmacy shelf and pointedly ignores the cashier’s raised eyebrow)"
~*~*~*~*~*~
It starts with Yesung standing in front of the window of a maternity store. He watches as a young couple (a young man who looks a lot like Kyuhyun and a young lady with delicate porcelain features) peruse the selections of cribs and cots in the store. Yesung is cold, it is an undeniable state of being that you’ll reach if you’ve been standing in the sludge for the past 5 minutes like he has, but the heavy coat he has on sufficiently warms him although he knows he should get home soon.
Hands shoved in the pockets of his coat as deep as they would go, he lays his palms flat against the gentle swell of his belly. “Would you like that too?” He whispers, ducking his nose into his scarf. Yesung smiles as the man tightens his hold around the lady and her swollen stomach. Watching as the gentle glow of impending parenthood surrounds them both like a cocoon. Swallowing a lump, he whispers again, “A crib. I don’t... know... Would a blue one suffice?” He chuckles lightly in the awkwardness of it. “I’ll be seeing you soon and I still haven’t gotten all the things you need. I must be a bad parent right, aegye-ah...”
“Yesung?” He hears said from somewhere on his left. Shit. Yesung mentally cringes. It’s said so gently, like the speaker couldn’t believe that it is actually him that he was seeing. And Yesung knows, knows without having to turn around the expression the man is wearing, knows the way the speaker’s cheeks are tinged pink from the cold... Knows without any trace of hesitation or doubt that he has to run and that he shouldn’t turn, acknowledge him. But he does anyways.
Siwon stands in front of him more gorgeous than his memories had given him credit for, although he is wearing those dark rings under his eyes a little too heavy, looking just a little too gaunt and tired. Yesung struggles to reign himself in from reaching out to touch those cheeks. Suddenly, he is hyper aware of the coat that sits bulkily on his frame, of his unstyled hair sticking up in all odd angles from the wind and the way, how fat he must look. He wants to say something but the words die on his throat, so he settles for a jerky bow and turning around on his heels to bolt down to where the crowd of holiday revellers are.
“Wait!” Yesung hears from behind him, the panic, confusion and shock clear in his ears. Don’t look at me! The words hammer through his head with the staccato beats of his heart. He quickens his steps, bumping in to a lady but not stopping.
dontlookatmedontlookatmedontlookatme
“Wait! Yesung! Wait!” Frustration tinges his voice and Yesung can feel the pursuit of the other man as he weaves in and out of the crowd. “Wait!!”
He can see the bus stand from where he is and he knows he should be able to make it, but... The floor is slippery. And he has to be more careful now more than ever to not evoke his fail.
“Yesung!” A grab at his elbow. “Please... Yesung...” He surprises himself (and Siwon) that he twists away just in time as he slips on a slick spot of ice and everything goes black.
>~<
The real beginning to this story is really when Yesung wakes up one morning and knows that something is wrong. Very wrong. Maybe it was the air that morning, or the way the mattress felt against his back or the quietness that sticks nauseatingly to his skin.
Trust him to be intuitive (possibly a little bat shit crazy) enough to procure some DIY pregnancy tests (he just grabs one of each brand from the pharmacy shelf and pointedly ignores the cashier’s raised eyebrow) and locks himself in the bathroom and he goes through each and every one of them.
By the end of it all, he merely stares at the unanimous strips of pink and gets up from where he sits on the edge of the tub. Sweeping everything into the black garbage bag, he ties it all up and exits the bathroom, thanking God that there was no one at home right now. Yesung doesn’t stop until he reaches the garbage shoot and throws everything in, standing there until Ryeowook sees him as he comes out from the elevator and breaks him from his trancelike state.
>~<
Siwon kisses like everything depends on that kiss, each and every single time. He kisses like fluid light and sweet solid warmth, everything Yesung thinks he is and more. And just when Yesung thinks he knows how this man, this beautiful, gorgeous man ticks, Siwon puts one large paw on his lower back and strokes upwards. The shudders he feels couldn’t have been faked.
Yesung finds out soon enough after their first kisses that he is a gentleman when he walks in the street, a prince amongst their family and friends, a wizard in making a mean cuppa in the morning, a sex god in bed. Well, sex god whenever Yesung deems to remind him that he wasn’t a “Goddamn doll and he would not break so for fuck’s sake just fuck him already”. And during those times, Siwon kisses a notch higher than dirty and hard, and a little messy but oh-so-good. So much the devil than the angel he is in the daylight.
Yesung likes it, loves it. Relishes the fact that he’ll be, is the only one to see him unrestrained, unrefined and utterly irrevocably his.
>~<
He made up his mind as he waited for Siwon to call from New York where he’s filming his latest drama. Everyone is all so proud of what Siwon’s done, what he’s doing and what he has the capability to do. Ryeowook is worried about him, Yesung can tell. You don’t be best friends with someone for more than half a decade without knowing their every tick. But Yesung is, if nothing, a good actor. It’s what he’s been trained for.
He plays his role well, and by the time Eeteuk and Eunhyuk stumble in from their radio broadcast, two things have already happened; he knows what he wants to do with the baby and he knows how he’s going to do it.
>~<
Yesung is three months along when he wakes up one night and realizes that, ‘Oh my God I’m going to have a baby!’ and that train of thought quickly dissolves into a panic rush of ‘Oh fuck I’m not cut out for this... Someone please help!’ and the mess of tears, snot and heaving sobs ‘I want Siwon! I want Siwon!’ Which quickly ends with, ‘He wouldn’t want this child like I do’ that leaves him crying until the sun paints the walls of his flat with brilliant shades of molten gold and he resolves himself to be the only one to love his baby.
>~<
Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are the only ones to see him to his little hidey hole on one of the quieter edge communities of Seoul. Actually, it’s Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Kibum and subsequently Shindong and Eeteuk because in a group of 13, nothing stays quiet for long. He had waited in front of the Big Man’s office the day after he decides, and begs to be let go, let off any which way it was possible, telling him what he knows is happening in him. The Big Man says nothing, but sighs and writes a number on a slip of paper telling him that it was one of the best damn gynaecologists in the country who deals with these sorts of things.
Something tells Yesung that the top management of SM has dealt with these things before, but he’s not that suicidal, so he doesn’t press on. He takes the number and a check handed to him and leaves the office with the promise to keep it quiet and to update them through Eeteuk. This is how the band Umma finds out, by the way.
“Are you sure about this, hyung?” They ask as they help him settle in. It’s a nice place; small flat with basic amenities with a working kitchen, one bathroom and a living room. Ddangkoma sits in his tank on the kitchen counter which is good and looking around, Yesung decides he likes this place a lot.
He’d begun follow ups with the gynaecologist recommended by the company, and while he’d been fretting in the waiting room before his turn, it turns out he really didn’t have anything to worry about. The doc had been gentle and non-judgemental about his... delicate situation and had helped put him in ease with his own skin. For the first time in weeks, Yesung actually feels like he can breathe.
“I’m pretty sure.” He says softly, running a hand on the window sill. In his mind he’s already thinking of a shelf in the corner for his books, a changing table by the window and possibly a crib there too. Nari drops by later in the evening with ddubokki for everyone and some dried fruits especially for him like she knows what he’s thinking. Yesung smiles gratefully. The morning sickness has already begun and he’s contemplating a knee cushion for the unforgiving tiles of the bathroom. Yeah. Pretty darn sure.
>~<
“You should tell him.” Kibum says one day as he is approaching the 5 month mark. They’re both sitting on the couch, with Kibum massaging his swollen ankles. Something Yesung is eternally grateful for. Swollen ankles are a bitch. The other members are taking turns in the gaps between their schedules to come visit him here; all the members except the one he wants to see most. His mother would’ve come around more often, but Yesung has her convinced that he can take of himself and the baby and that she needs to take it easy in her old age. Works like a charm except that she calls everyday, but Yesung reflects that this is infinitely better than her standing around being awkward in his adult life. And Yesung doesn’t think he can handle awkward after that talk he had with his parents about his being pregnant, the baby’s father and yes, he’s keeping the baby. He barely managed to calm his parents down; much less help Siwon survive with his balls intact.
“You know I can’t.” Yesung whispers tiredly. It isn’t like they all don’t get where he’s coming from. Eeteuk was practically threatening to call the other man himself until Yesung blackmailed him with some ‘tapes’ of Kangin and himself in various poses of the Karma Sutra that would’ve boggled the sane mine of a yoga teacher. Siwon should be back in Seoul in a few days, and the others have promised not to divulge the location of his flat. To the public, Yesung is busy preparing for his own solo album. And he still talks to Siwon, but it’s more of a means of placating the other man from worrying too much than it is of missing him.
Kibum doesn’t press on the subject, but reminds him pointedly that he needs to choose a crib so that he and the others can fix it up for him.
>~<
Yesung opens his eyes and he is in a darkened hospital room. From what he can make out from the windows, the night views of Seoul blinks in the distance. Instinctively, he moves his hand to his stomach. Ah. Still alright. He practically feels the tension and nervousness bleed out of him.
“You’re alright.” Yesung smiles, closing his eyes. “That’s good. To be ok.” He rubs circles on his clothed stomach and looks around, almost having an aneurism when he sees Siwon’s dark, dark eyes meet his from the darker corners of the room.
He’d been expecting the expected ‘Is it mine?’ or ‘How the hell did you get pregnant?’ or even ‘Abort it.’ Not “You’re pregnant.” Said in a soft voice filled with awe and uncertainty. Yesung nods shakily because it seems like the right thing to do and wraps his arms around his waist. Siwon doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and the stands up. For a moment there, Yesung cringes and clenches his fist protectively around his middle. “Can... Can I touch it?” Siwon says breathless when he approaches the bedside. “I mean... It’s ok. If you don’t... I mean...”
“Yeah you can touch it.” The older between the two says not quite meeting his eyes. He tries not to squirm when familiar hands (still as warm, still so much warmth in those large calloused hands) reaches into the blanket to touch the bump. It’s so tentative, so scared as if the baby would burst out and kill everything in sight, that Yesung almost laughs if it weren’t for the fact that he were scared shitless about the whole situation right now. “I won’t break.” He looks up and he sees the emotions; surprise, awe, apprehension, before settling into joy. “I won’t break.” He repeats softly, remembering the different circumstances that those words have been said in the past. There’s a soft silence that was not entirely uncomfortable when Siwon smoothes his hand over the swell, the new curves that had not been there when he had last touched him. Moving a hand over Siwon’s, he moves it just in time to feel a small thump. “You feel that?” Yesung laughs, looking up.
Siwon, for his part, looks as if all his Christmases had come all at once when he smiles; dimples, bright eyes crinkling. “Yeah. I feel it too.”
>~<
It takes some getting used to. Again. It’s weird after all these months alone...Waking up to someone beside him, someone making coffee for him, someone who frets after him, someone who watches from the doorway as he soaks his beached whale body in the tub...
“Stop it Siwon.” Yesung says with a faint hint of amusement in his voice. “There’s nothing to look at.” He runs the wash rag against the crook of his elbow. It’s about a month since the incident in the hospital and it scares him how easily they fall into a rhythm. Siwon and him. Siwon and him and the baby. He’s still waiting for Siwon to open his eyes one of these mornings and just run because... this is an abomination. It hurts a little whenever he has these thoughts, old friends as they are to him.
The late afternoon sun warms the back he presents to it. The members should be dropping in soon, though their visits have been trickling thin. Maybe Super Junior has tact after all... Yesung muses on this, sighing as the wash cloth is dragged across his nape. These days he can’t even recognize his own body; it resembles a beached albino whale on some days, a bloated balloon on others. There are curves where lines used to be and he literally aches all the time. All he thinks about in his head is how much he’d like the strangest mix or combination of foodstuff, and where before this he’d just grit and bear with the tides of wants until morning when he’ll get it himself when he leaves the apartment, now he’ll just nudge Siwon awake to get them. As he buries his nose into the cloth, he is craving strawberries and butter.
“You’re beautiful.” Siwon says, softly and this makes Yesung look up. “You. Are really, really beautiful.” He smiles and Yesung smiles back shyly. Siwon moves to sit on the little stool they have in the bathroom, moving it next to the tub. “I’m sorry.” He takes his wet hand and plants a chaste kiss on each of the ridge of his knuckles.
“For what?”
“For leaving you. For... Not being there when you needed me.” Siwon looks utterly wrecked as he says this against his cool skin. “I’m sorry. You must’ve been really scared keeping this to yourself.” He smiled, rubbing his cheek against his open palm.
“I still am.” The words escape before he could stop them. “Scared.”
Siwon furrows his brows in confusion. “Why?”
The bath water is a cloudy white courtesy of the bath solution he added in. Smells like milk and lavender and it always helps him cope with the aches. Siwon’s grip of his hand tightens, he breathes in deep. “I’m scared one day you’ll wake up and leave. I’m really scared that... That you won’t want us any more when you wake up from your fantasy.”
“What. Does that even mean?” There is steel in Siwon’s voice. He tilts his head to meet his eyes.
Yesung lets a soft quiet veil descend, basking in the warmth of the afternoon sun on his back and Siwon’s cheek cool on his hand. Leaning over, he presses a kiss to Siwon’s fingers still intertwined with his. “Look at me Siwon.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“I mean look. At me. I am a man. And this is wrong. You know that.” Yesung swallows the bile that grows at his throat. “I’m... I’m wrong. We’re wrong. One day you’ll wake up and you’d look at us differently. Even if you won’t, even if you don’t think you would, one day you’ll wake up and resent me for not being able to give you-”
“Shut up. Just shut up Kim Jongwoon.” The use of his real name said in a half-exasperated, half-something he can’t put a finger on, effectively stops his words. Siwon reaches and caresses the side of his face, pushing him to meet his eyes. “Do you... Do you honestly think I’m anything... Anything like those religious fanatics? After all this time you still don’t get it?” Pressing their foreheads close, he whispers in the silence, “I love you, Kim Jongwoon. I love you soo much it hurts to even breathe when I think about it. I love you... Every inch of you. And the fact that you’re a man doesn’t change the fact that I would die for you. For our family. For this baby.” He smiles moving a hand under the surface of the water to stroke his belly. Yesung can hear the smile and it makes his smile along too. “I was worried you wouldn’t love me anymore after they told me you moved out and the bastards won’t give me your address. And when I couldn’t find you...”
“I didn’t want...” He starts.
“Don’t do that to me again. Please. I wish I could make you see just how beautiful you are to me... This baby. You. Are perfect. You’re everything I ever prayed for.” And that was that. Siwon pressed a gentle kiss against his skin, breathing against his hairline. “Don’t ever doubt that I want the both of you in my life.”
Yesung feels the tears gathering in the corner of his eye (damn hormones!), sniffles tilting up to plant an Eskimo kiss.
>~<
They have a baby shower. And why are they having a baby shower, is beyond him.
But Yesung thinks it’s helping the members more than it’s doing anything for him. It’s almost time for the release of the new album and management have decided to feign him a sickness when the time comes for promotions. And the due date is edging nearer by the second... So, Yesung merely sits down at the couch as the other members of his family bustle around getting things ready.
Siwon sits next to him as the members pile on the gifts and cupcakes and frankly, Yesung would’ve just rather have them come over and watch a movie. Sneaking a look at Siwon, he’s sure the other man feels the same way too.
Ryeowook gets him a book on baby dietary that had slipped his mind totally, while Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk chip in for the crib which they’d set up and displayed it proudly by the window where he’d always wanted it. Kyuhyun, Zhoumi and Sungmin got the furnishings for the crib and a pink stroller with grey linings that Yesung knows Sungmin had a hand in. Eeteuk and Kangin handed over an envelope with ‘babysitting coupons’ that they can redeem after the baby is born. Shindong and Nari buy a tub of cream that promises to ‘relieve him of any stretch marks’ and Yesung is glad for that. Probably. Henry isn’t there with them, but he sends a small music box. Heechul and Hankyung bequeath a red box that has a small golden anklet that Heechul says pointedly is for the kid not for his hands. Siwon smiles, bright and warm at all of them while Yesung thinks it’s probably for the best that they get all the things instead of him and Siwon. They’d just end up buying crap they probably don’t need.
They do end up watching a movie though. The apartment is too small, however and everyone rearranges themselves to fit everyone in the living room, even with the coffee table put away, Kibum and Sungmin end up watching the movie from the kitchen. He barely pays attention to the screen. Siwon has his arms around him and his nose against his nape. From the corner of his eye he can see Eunhyuk nuzzled between Kibum and Donghae, Shindong cuddling with Nari. Eeteuk has his face hidden on Kangin’s shoulder but no one points it out. Heechul is curled up next to Hankyung and they are whispering to each other in soft tones that Yesung cannot pick up. But there’s an air of comfort and security. There is warmth everywhere he turns. The baby kicks. Yesung smiles.
We’re not lonely. Not anymore.
A/N: If you didn't think this was a total fail... Please comment and put me out of my misery...
Pairing: YeWon
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Mpreg. Yes. MPREG.
A/N: For
yesungholic's birthday which I gorgeously missed and so this is a very belated birthday present. Don't get too used to this. I'm only putting this one up for her. Anyhoo~ Anyone wanna help us trend #keybert on Twitter? ^U^ I swear. It'll all be super fun.Summary: "Trust him to be intuitive (possibly a little bat shit crazy) enough to procure some DIY pregnancy tests (he just grabs one of each brand from the pharmacy shelf and pointedly ignores the cashier’s raised eyebrow)"
~*~*~*~*~*~
It starts with Yesung standing in front of the window of a maternity store. He watches as a young couple (a young man who looks a lot like Kyuhyun and a young lady with delicate porcelain features) peruse the selections of cribs and cots in the store. Yesung is cold, it is an undeniable state of being that you’ll reach if you’ve been standing in the sludge for the past 5 minutes like he has, but the heavy coat he has on sufficiently warms him although he knows he should get home soon.
Hands shoved in the pockets of his coat as deep as they would go, he lays his palms flat against the gentle swell of his belly. “Would you like that too?” He whispers, ducking his nose into his scarf. Yesung smiles as the man tightens his hold around the lady and her swollen stomach. Watching as the gentle glow of impending parenthood surrounds them both like a cocoon. Swallowing a lump, he whispers again, “A crib. I don’t... know... Would a blue one suffice?” He chuckles lightly in the awkwardness of it. “I’ll be seeing you soon and I still haven’t gotten all the things you need. I must be a bad parent right, aegye-ah...”
“Yesung?” He hears said from somewhere on his left. Shit. Yesung mentally cringes. It’s said so gently, like the speaker couldn’t believe that it is actually him that he was seeing. And Yesung knows, knows without having to turn around the expression the man is wearing, knows the way the speaker’s cheeks are tinged pink from the cold... Knows without any trace of hesitation or doubt that he has to run and that he shouldn’t turn, acknowledge him. But he does anyways.
Siwon stands in front of him more gorgeous than his memories had given him credit for, although he is wearing those dark rings under his eyes a little too heavy, looking just a little too gaunt and tired. Yesung struggles to reign himself in from reaching out to touch those cheeks. Suddenly, he is hyper aware of the coat that sits bulkily on his frame, of his unstyled hair sticking up in all odd angles from the wind and the way, how fat he must look. He wants to say something but the words die on his throat, so he settles for a jerky bow and turning around on his heels to bolt down to where the crowd of holiday revellers are.
“Wait!” Yesung hears from behind him, the panic, confusion and shock clear in his ears. Don’t look at me! The words hammer through his head with the staccato beats of his heart. He quickens his steps, bumping in to a lady but not stopping.
dontlookatmedontlookatmedontlookatme
“Wait! Yesung! Wait!” Frustration tinges his voice and Yesung can feel the pursuit of the other man as he weaves in and out of the crowd. “Wait!!”
He can see the bus stand from where he is and he knows he should be able to make it, but... The floor is slippery. And he has to be more careful now more than ever to not evoke his fail.
“Yesung!” A grab at his elbow. “Please... Yesung...” He surprises himself (and Siwon) that he twists away just in time as he slips on a slick spot of ice and everything goes black.
>~<
The real beginning to this story is really when Yesung wakes up one morning and knows that something is wrong. Very wrong. Maybe it was the air that morning, or the way the mattress felt against his back or the quietness that sticks nauseatingly to his skin.
Trust him to be intuitive (possibly a little bat shit crazy) enough to procure some DIY pregnancy tests (he just grabs one of each brand from the pharmacy shelf and pointedly ignores the cashier’s raised eyebrow) and locks himself in the bathroom and he goes through each and every one of them.
By the end of it all, he merely stares at the unanimous strips of pink and gets up from where he sits on the edge of the tub. Sweeping everything into the black garbage bag, he ties it all up and exits the bathroom, thanking God that there was no one at home right now. Yesung doesn’t stop until he reaches the garbage shoot and throws everything in, standing there until Ryeowook sees him as he comes out from the elevator and breaks him from his trancelike state.
>~<
Siwon kisses like everything depends on that kiss, each and every single time. He kisses like fluid light and sweet solid warmth, everything Yesung thinks he is and more. And just when Yesung thinks he knows how this man, this beautiful, gorgeous man ticks, Siwon puts one large paw on his lower back and strokes upwards. The shudders he feels couldn’t have been faked.
Yesung finds out soon enough after their first kisses that he is a gentleman when he walks in the street, a prince amongst their family and friends, a wizard in making a mean cuppa in the morning, a sex god in bed. Well, sex god whenever Yesung deems to remind him that he wasn’t a “Goddamn doll and he would not break so for fuck’s sake just fuck him already”. And during those times, Siwon kisses a notch higher than dirty and hard, and a little messy but oh-so-good. So much the devil than the angel he is in the daylight.
Yesung likes it, loves it. Relishes the fact that he’ll be, is the only one to see him unrestrained, unrefined and utterly irrevocably his.
>~<
He made up his mind as he waited for Siwon to call from New York where he’s filming his latest drama. Everyone is all so proud of what Siwon’s done, what he’s doing and what he has the capability to do. Ryeowook is worried about him, Yesung can tell. You don’t be best friends with someone for more than half a decade without knowing their every tick. But Yesung is, if nothing, a good actor. It’s what he’s been trained for.
He plays his role well, and by the time Eeteuk and Eunhyuk stumble in from their radio broadcast, two things have already happened; he knows what he wants to do with the baby and he knows how he’s going to do it.
>~<
Yesung is three months along when he wakes up one night and realizes that, ‘Oh my God I’m going to have a baby!’ and that train of thought quickly dissolves into a panic rush of ‘Oh fuck I’m not cut out for this... Someone please help!’ and the mess of tears, snot and heaving sobs ‘I want Siwon! I want Siwon!’ Which quickly ends with, ‘He wouldn’t want this child like I do’ that leaves him crying until the sun paints the walls of his flat with brilliant shades of molten gold and he resolves himself to be the only one to love his baby.
>~<
Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are the only ones to see him to his little hidey hole on one of the quieter edge communities of Seoul. Actually, it’s Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Kibum and subsequently Shindong and Eeteuk because in a group of 13, nothing stays quiet for long. He had waited in front of the Big Man’s office the day after he decides, and begs to be let go, let off any which way it was possible, telling him what he knows is happening in him. The Big Man says nothing, but sighs and writes a number on a slip of paper telling him that it was one of the best damn gynaecologists in the country who deals with these sorts of things.
Something tells Yesung that the top management of SM has dealt with these things before, but he’s not that suicidal, so he doesn’t press on. He takes the number and a check handed to him and leaves the office with the promise to keep it quiet and to update them through Eeteuk. This is how the band Umma finds out, by the way.
“Are you sure about this, hyung?” They ask as they help him settle in. It’s a nice place; small flat with basic amenities with a working kitchen, one bathroom and a living room. Ddangkoma sits in his tank on the kitchen counter which is good and looking around, Yesung decides he likes this place a lot.
He’d begun follow ups with the gynaecologist recommended by the company, and while he’d been fretting in the waiting room before his turn, it turns out he really didn’t have anything to worry about. The doc had been gentle and non-judgemental about his... delicate situation and had helped put him in ease with his own skin. For the first time in weeks, Yesung actually feels like he can breathe.
“I’m pretty sure.” He says softly, running a hand on the window sill. In his mind he’s already thinking of a shelf in the corner for his books, a changing table by the window and possibly a crib there too. Nari drops by later in the evening with ddubokki for everyone and some dried fruits especially for him like she knows what he’s thinking. Yesung smiles gratefully. The morning sickness has already begun and he’s contemplating a knee cushion for the unforgiving tiles of the bathroom. Yeah. Pretty darn sure.
>~<
“You should tell him.” Kibum says one day as he is approaching the 5 month mark. They’re both sitting on the couch, with Kibum massaging his swollen ankles. Something Yesung is eternally grateful for. Swollen ankles are a bitch. The other members are taking turns in the gaps between their schedules to come visit him here; all the members except the one he wants to see most. His mother would’ve come around more often, but Yesung has her convinced that he can take of himself and the baby and that she needs to take it easy in her old age. Works like a charm except that she calls everyday, but Yesung reflects that this is infinitely better than her standing around being awkward in his adult life. And Yesung doesn’t think he can handle awkward after that talk he had with his parents about his being pregnant, the baby’s father and yes, he’s keeping the baby. He barely managed to calm his parents down; much less help Siwon survive with his balls intact.
“You know I can’t.” Yesung whispers tiredly. It isn’t like they all don’t get where he’s coming from. Eeteuk was practically threatening to call the other man himself until Yesung blackmailed him with some ‘tapes’ of Kangin and himself in various poses of the Karma Sutra that would’ve boggled the sane mine of a yoga teacher. Siwon should be back in Seoul in a few days, and the others have promised not to divulge the location of his flat. To the public, Yesung is busy preparing for his own solo album. And he still talks to Siwon, but it’s more of a means of placating the other man from worrying too much than it is of missing him.
Kibum doesn’t press on the subject, but reminds him pointedly that he needs to choose a crib so that he and the others can fix it up for him.
>~<
Yesung opens his eyes and he is in a darkened hospital room. From what he can make out from the windows, the night views of Seoul blinks in the distance. Instinctively, he moves his hand to his stomach. Ah. Still alright. He practically feels the tension and nervousness bleed out of him.
“You’re alright.” Yesung smiles, closing his eyes. “That’s good. To be ok.” He rubs circles on his clothed stomach and looks around, almost having an aneurism when he sees Siwon’s dark, dark eyes meet his from the darker corners of the room.
He’d been expecting the expected ‘Is it mine?’ or ‘How the hell did you get pregnant?’ or even ‘Abort it.’ Not “You’re pregnant.” Said in a soft voice filled with awe and uncertainty. Yesung nods shakily because it seems like the right thing to do and wraps his arms around his waist. Siwon doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and the stands up. For a moment there, Yesung cringes and clenches his fist protectively around his middle. “Can... Can I touch it?” Siwon says breathless when he approaches the bedside. “I mean... It’s ok. If you don’t... I mean...”
“Yeah you can touch it.” The older between the two says not quite meeting his eyes. He tries not to squirm when familiar hands (still as warm, still so much warmth in those large calloused hands) reaches into the blanket to touch the bump. It’s so tentative, so scared as if the baby would burst out and kill everything in sight, that Yesung almost laughs if it weren’t for the fact that he were scared shitless about the whole situation right now. “I won’t break.” He looks up and he sees the emotions; surprise, awe, apprehension, before settling into joy. “I won’t break.” He repeats softly, remembering the different circumstances that those words have been said in the past. There’s a soft silence that was not entirely uncomfortable when Siwon smoothes his hand over the swell, the new curves that had not been there when he had last touched him. Moving a hand over Siwon’s, he moves it just in time to feel a small thump. “You feel that?” Yesung laughs, looking up.
Siwon, for his part, looks as if all his Christmases had come all at once when he smiles; dimples, bright eyes crinkling. “Yeah. I feel it too.”
>~<
It takes some getting used to. Again. It’s weird after all these months alone...Waking up to someone beside him, someone making coffee for him, someone who frets after him, someone who watches from the doorway as he soaks his beached whale body in the tub...
“Stop it Siwon.” Yesung says with a faint hint of amusement in his voice. “There’s nothing to look at.” He runs the wash rag against the crook of his elbow. It’s about a month since the incident in the hospital and it scares him how easily they fall into a rhythm. Siwon and him. Siwon and him and the baby. He’s still waiting for Siwon to open his eyes one of these mornings and just run because... this is an abomination. It hurts a little whenever he has these thoughts, old friends as they are to him.
The late afternoon sun warms the back he presents to it. The members should be dropping in soon, though their visits have been trickling thin. Maybe Super Junior has tact after all... Yesung muses on this, sighing as the wash cloth is dragged across his nape. These days he can’t even recognize his own body; it resembles a beached albino whale on some days, a bloated balloon on others. There are curves where lines used to be and he literally aches all the time. All he thinks about in his head is how much he’d like the strangest mix or combination of foodstuff, and where before this he’d just grit and bear with the tides of wants until morning when he’ll get it himself when he leaves the apartment, now he’ll just nudge Siwon awake to get them. As he buries his nose into the cloth, he is craving strawberries and butter.
“You’re beautiful.” Siwon says, softly and this makes Yesung look up. “You. Are really, really beautiful.” He smiles and Yesung smiles back shyly. Siwon moves to sit on the little stool they have in the bathroom, moving it next to the tub. “I’m sorry.” He takes his wet hand and plants a chaste kiss on each of the ridge of his knuckles.
“For what?”
“For leaving you. For... Not being there when you needed me.” Siwon looks utterly wrecked as he says this against his cool skin. “I’m sorry. You must’ve been really scared keeping this to yourself.” He smiled, rubbing his cheek against his open palm.
“I still am.” The words escape before he could stop them. “Scared.”
Siwon furrows his brows in confusion. “Why?”
The bath water is a cloudy white courtesy of the bath solution he added in. Smells like milk and lavender and it always helps him cope with the aches. Siwon’s grip of his hand tightens, he breathes in deep. “I’m scared one day you’ll wake up and leave. I’m really scared that... That you won’t want us any more when you wake up from your fantasy.”
“What. Does that even mean?” There is steel in Siwon’s voice. He tilts his head to meet his eyes.
Yesung lets a soft quiet veil descend, basking in the warmth of the afternoon sun on his back and Siwon’s cheek cool on his hand. Leaning over, he presses a kiss to Siwon’s fingers still intertwined with his. “Look at me Siwon.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“I mean look. At me. I am a man. And this is wrong. You know that.” Yesung swallows the bile that grows at his throat. “I’m... I’m wrong. We’re wrong. One day you’ll wake up and you’d look at us differently. Even if you won’t, even if you don’t think you would, one day you’ll wake up and resent me for not being able to give you-”
“Shut up. Just shut up Kim Jongwoon.” The use of his real name said in a half-exasperated, half-something he can’t put a finger on, effectively stops his words. Siwon reaches and caresses the side of his face, pushing him to meet his eyes. “Do you... Do you honestly think I’m anything... Anything like those religious fanatics? After all this time you still don’t get it?” Pressing their foreheads close, he whispers in the silence, “I love you, Kim Jongwoon. I love you soo much it hurts to even breathe when I think about it. I love you... Every inch of you. And the fact that you’re a man doesn’t change the fact that I would die for you. For our family. For this baby.” He smiles moving a hand under the surface of the water to stroke his belly. Yesung can hear the smile and it makes his smile along too. “I was worried you wouldn’t love me anymore after they told me you moved out and the bastards won’t give me your address. And when I couldn’t find you...”
“I didn’t want...” He starts.
“Don’t do that to me again. Please. I wish I could make you see just how beautiful you are to me... This baby. You. Are perfect. You’re everything I ever prayed for.” And that was that. Siwon pressed a gentle kiss against his skin, breathing against his hairline. “Don’t ever doubt that I want the both of you in my life.”
Yesung feels the tears gathering in the corner of his eye (damn hormones!), sniffles tilting up to plant an Eskimo kiss.
>~<
They have a baby shower. And why are they having a baby shower, is beyond him.
But Yesung thinks it’s helping the members more than it’s doing anything for him. It’s almost time for the release of the new album and management have decided to feign him a sickness when the time comes for promotions. And the due date is edging nearer by the second... So, Yesung merely sits down at the couch as the other members of his family bustle around getting things ready.
Siwon sits next to him as the members pile on the gifts and cupcakes and frankly, Yesung would’ve just rather have them come over and watch a movie. Sneaking a look at Siwon, he’s sure the other man feels the same way too.
Ryeowook gets him a book on baby dietary that had slipped his mind totally, while Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk chip in for the crib which they’d set up and displayed it proudly by the window where he’d always wanted it. Kyuhyun, Zhoumi and Sungmin got the furnishings for the crib and a pink stroller with grey linings that Yesung knows Sungmin had a hand in. Eeteuk and Kangin handed over an envelope with ‘babysitting coupons’ that they can redeem after the baby is born. Shindong and Nari buy a tub of cream that promises to ‘relieve him of any stretch marks’ and Yesung is glad for that. Probably. Henry isn’t there with them, but he sends a small music box. Heechul and Hankyung bequeath a red box that has a small golden anklet that Heechul says pointedly is for the kid not for his hands. Siwon smiles, bright and warm at all of them while Yesung thinks it’s probably for the best that they get all the things instead of him and Siwon. They’d just end up buying crap they probably don’t need.
They do end up watching a movie though. The apartment is too small, however and everyone rearranges themselves to fit everyone in the living room, even with the coffee table put away, Kibum and Sungmin end up watching the movie from the kitchen. He barely pays attention to the screen. Siwon has his arms around him and his nose against his nape. From the corner of his eye he can see Eunhyuk nuzzled between Kibum and Donghae, Shindong cuddling with Nari. Eeteuk has his face hidden on Kangin’s shoulder but no one points it out. Heechul is curled up next to Hankyung and they are whispering to each other in soft tones that Yesung cannot pick up. But there’s an air of comfort and security. There is warmth everywhere he turns. The baby kicks. Yesung smiles.
We’re not lonely. Not anymore.
A/N: If you didn't think this was a total fail... Please comment and put me out of my misery...
