j_gabrielle | Fic: 100 days of love

Title: 100 days of love
Pairing: SiwonxYesung, ninja!Hanchul
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yesung learns about love in 100 days
WARNING: Character death
A/N: All mistakes are mine and mine alone. I should be finishing up my fic for

kimonochi but here I am... Forgive me... *bows* Please listen to F.T Island's 'Always be mine'(English Version) as their lyrics is mentioned here. Trust me... It adds to the fic.

Day 10

You sit under the same tree every time I see you in the hospital ground, closing your eyes and basking in the sunshine. You remind me of a cat (or maybe a dog?) and I would do the same, but I can’t come out all that often. I’ve always been watching you from my window. I’m not a stalker, mind you... I’m merely admiring the view.

Today I heard you sing. You have a beautiful voice; deep and husky. I realise like it very much. I wish I could sing again, like you are singing now. I managed to sneak out after my afternoon course of medication. I always sneak out to the bench under the tree where you sat. I like it here. Not only because it reminds me of you. But because... When I sit here, I can close my eyes, try to imitate you and feel like I’m at peace. Like everything comes together and falls apart all at once.

“Hello.” I startled. You’re still here?? Usually around this time, you’ve left. You stand in front of me. I wonder if you saw what I was doing. I merely nod, wanting nothing more than to disappear and make to leave. You laugh and put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t leave on account of me, please. We can share this bench and I promise, I won’t bite.” Your smile... It’s the first time I see it directed at me and not at some simpering nurse or some random girl. I feel myself smiling back, despite my heart beating frantically, but I stand nonetheless. As I leave you call out, “What’s your name?”

I turn around, shocked that you are talking to me. Taking my writing pad out, I write, Yesung

I see the confusion in your eyes, but you still smile and say, “Hello Yesung. I’m Siwon.” You wave goodbye and all I can manage is a raise of my hand and a quick scurry indoors.

Today you taught me how to receive a smile. And smile back at someone again.

Day 17

We talked. Well, you talked. I listened and replied with my writing pad. We’ve been doing this for the past week and you don’t seem to mind. I find my heart not trying to jump out of my chest even less as time goes by. But today you ask me why I don’t speak. I stare at you, contemplating whether to tell or not.

It’s not important.

“Do you have any friends who come to visit?”

No.

“Aren’t I your friend?”

Yes... But, you don’t want to be seen near a person like me, you know?

“Why?”

Because I’m weird? Haha...

“I don’t think so...”

It’s okay to think I am, Siwon-sshi-

You stop my hand from finishing my words. I look up to see your smile and you shaking your head. “We’re friends Yesung. So you don’t have to be so formal with me.” I bit back a gasp, smiled back and nod.

Siwon...

“Yes?”

It’s okay if you think I’m weird. And you don’t have to say we’re friends just because you pity or anything... I’m okay with it.

You merely grin and pull me into a one arm hug. “I’m your friend, Yesung. As of today you’re stuck with me. Understand?”

Today you taught me that we’re friends. And friends never need a reason to be friends.

Day 62

I’m a sick person on my good days. But today I’m worse off than my good days. My mother sits by me, watching over me worriedly. I’m sorry, Siwon. I didn’t want you to worry...

I feel cold and warm, pain and delirium all at once. I feel nauseated and that the world is being tilted around. I feel like I’m drowning in my own breaths. I want to moan, to whine, to scream. But I don’t. I can’t.

Ddangkoma is looking at the window. The poor fellow. It probably misses you. I’m so sorry Ddangkoma-ah. I don’t think I can...

I wonder what you are doing now. Are you still angry at me? A part of me hopes you’ll stay angry at me forever and forget me; that I don’t deserve you at all. Another part wants to run out the gates and to your house where you live and beg for you to love me again.

The weather is getting a little chilly, so remember that it’s best to stay indoors okay Siwon-ah? I turn to my side so that my mother doesn’t see my hand reach under my pillow to touch the rosary you gave me. You told me it was special, remember? You said that if I ever needed to feel you close, I just had to hold on to it, and you’ll be there.

So I hold onto it. And pray to a God that I haven’t believed in for a long time already.

Today you taught me the pain of love.

Day 32

Today you taught me that first kisses are never what movies and novels put them out to be. They are very wet, sloppy, and awkward business. But first kisses shared between two people who feel for each other like we do, is anything and everything amazing.

And also, you taught me about your lips with your lips. I like them very much Siwon. I really do.

Day 15

You brought me a turtle in a fish bowl. And two sweet potatoes wrapped in aluminium foil, still warm. We sit on the bench watching the clouds. You hold my hand today, remarking about the fact that they’re cold.

“The weather is still pretty warm...” You said rubbing my hands between yours. You smiled when you saw the look on my face (which was hilarious no doubt) and you merely chuckle and ruffle my hair. “Wah... Yesung’s hands are soo small!”

I frowned, snatching them back and crossing my arms.

“Are you mad Yesung-ah?” You asked, cheeky bugger. “Don’t be angry...” You pry my hands away from my body without any difficulty, turning them palm face up, you slowly traced the lines on my hands. My too small hands. “I like your hands, Yesung. Just like I like your name.” I must’ve blushed then, because you smiled, dimples showing.

We called the turtle Ddangkoma. And when I fall asleep that night, I had a smile on my face and a hand on my bedside table where the bowl was.

Today you taught me that I can still feel warmth in my heart.

Day 88

The number 8 is supposed to be a lucky number in the Chinese culture. Today is the 88th day of knowing you. Today is suppose to lucky, and in some ways, I guess it is.

You stayed the night in my bed last night. My mother had tried to protest, but God knows how you did it, because I never seen my mum simpering like a schoolgirl she is obviously not. You held me tight last night, and we talked about nothing and everything. You told me about Heechul, the friend you had been visiting in those first 20 days. About how he and his Chinese beau are finally tying the knot after they introduced their daughter to their respective families. We talked about the places we would visit once I leave this place. You still believe I would get better, even after all this time.

When I woke up today, the absence of the cold and the solid warmth of your body surprises me and calm me at the same time. You look soo... young when you sleep. So peaceful. You have me wrapped with you arms, crushed to your chest. You smell like soap, linen and you. I wonder what you are dreaming about. I smile, trying to extricate myself from you. But you merely hold me tighter. I wonder if you know that you are such an octopus. You held me close and you tucked your nose into the crook of my neck.

I let myself lie there in the contentment of your love. Maybe 8 is a good number for me after all.

Today you taught me that waking up next to you is the one thing I would gladly do for rest of my remaining days.

Day 49

“I-I lo-love you.”

I saw your eyes go as wide as saucers and you dropped the guitar, and it fell to the ground with an out of tune ‘TWANG’. You grip my shoulders, staring intently into my eyes. I couldn’t help but to think that you look like a puppy.

“Say it again.”

“I love you.” I said, quietly, cupping your face and tracing your lips. “I love you.”

I can’t remember much of that day, but the image of your ears splitting grin, your kisses that make me pliant and weak in your arms and your joyful laughter in my ear is embedded in my memory forever.

Today you taught me that it’s possible to find true love twice in a lifetime.

Day 27

You show up today with a Pig Rabbit doll and food for Ddangkoma. “I love you. Please be my boyfriend.” You look expectantly at me.

Okay.

Today you taught me that I still remembered how to jump off the ledge without looking.

Day 48

I’d been able to speak for a week now, the doctor confirming that my speech therapy had worked. The secret speech therapy that you didn’t know of. And I want to tell you the words you want to hear tomorrow.

Today you taught me that I want to do everything to put a smile on your face.

Day 60

I almost killed Ddangkoma. The treatment isn’t going so well, and I’m sorry my love. I didn’t mean to make you the target of my rage. I... With my hands. These hands you love, have hit you. I hit you, Siwon. I screamed and told you to get out of my life. I said that I can’t love you. I son’t want to love you. I ignored the look in your eyes and said... Said I wished you never bothered to pity me, wished you would just drop the act. That you never loved me. That all the sweet words you told me and promised me, are nothing but lies.

I deserved the slap you gave me. I wished you would’ve punched me.
I know you love me, I know that. I know that you were and are and always will be nothing but sincere in your love for me. But...
I’m tired Siwon. I don’t think I can get better. No amount of prayer, no amount of love, no amount of doctors can make me better. I want... something better for you. Something not me.

Today you taught me that you were fragile too.

Day 61

I don’t feel so good today, so I stay in bed. Your friend Heechul came. And we talked. The contents of our conversations were something along the lines of “I will cut your balls for hurting Siwon”. He’s remarkable, this Heechul. Beautiful and brains with a wicked mix of wit. I have to admit, my love. You keep very interesting company.

He stays for tea. And he sees the rosary under my pillow. It’s then that he looks at me with a frown.

“I wonder... Why are you so important to that kid?”

“I’m sorry?”

“That rosary...”

“Was his mum’s. I know. What about it?” I tightened my grip around it.

He continues to frown at me, and I have a feeling that he’s sizing me up. “That rosary. It is for the person that that kid wants to marry.”

Marry? “Marry??”

Heechul smirks, “Marry. That kid must’ve been dead serious about you.”

Today it wasn’t you who taught me. Heechul taught me that regrets that come sooner are better than those that come later.

Day 91

I can see the dark circles under your eyes. How long have you been here? I want you to go home, but how can I tell you that with this blasted oxygen mask in the way. You hold me close, but carefully like I could shatter with the slightest force.

The rosary is my bracelet, and you take every chance you can get to kiss my wrist. Today you spend then whole day by my side.

Today taught me the fear that I might have to be leaving you too soon.

Day 49

You sneak into my room tonight after visiting hours. My mother has gone home; the nurses have done their rounds. We giggle like teenage girls when you crawl into bed with me. The soft chaste kisses have begun to escalate into something more. And I begin to fear. I stop your hands when you begin to unbutton my shirt.

“It’s okay Sungie... Please let me. Please...” You punctuate your words with kisses. And how could I resist you? You must’ve sensed my little hesitance, because you distract me with your kisses and a hand to stroke my jaw.

I want to tell you so much that it’s not the fear of having sex with you that scares me. It’s the fear of your disgust when you see my skin.

I squeeze my eyes shut when your lips leave mine as the folds of my shirt fall to my sides, baring my front to the whole world to see. You smooth your hands up and down my torso, lingering on the scars. I could almost cry then, but I feel your lips on them. On the very things that should disgust you.

“Open your eyes for me.” You sound choked. When I do, I do not see disgust. I see... Love. Want. Lust, even. Are these emotions for me? You lean in, delving your tongue into my mouth, tasting and claiming me. “Yesung. Yesung-ah...” You whispered in my ear when you slipped a finger in.

I throw my arms around your neck, trying to overcome the pain and uncomfortable sensation of the intrusion of the digit. I grimace when you slipped another one in. I want to tell you to stop, that it hurts, that...

You position yourself, hoisting my knees to rest on your shoulders. I bite on Pig Rabbit to muffle my cries and tears when you enter me inch by agonizing inch. I want to tell you to go slow, to please, please be careful. To know that you’re the first person in me. To know that the other person has never had me this way.

But when I catch the look in your eyes, the look that tells me you need me, that you want me, that you have to have me, that this thing we were doing is causing you as much pleasure as the pain it is causing me. Instead of begging you to stop, I kiss you instead.

They’d said that the pain goes away after awhile. In a way, they’re right. But what they didn’t tell you is the pure pain of wanting the other person to get deeper into you. What they left out was the race to hold out longer only to be disappointed when you come, and to feel the void that had once filled you up so full.

You clean us both with a rag and we curl into each other. You whisper apologies onto my skin as you kiss my scars when you dress me.

“Don’t you want to know why I got them?” The question that leaves my lips is barely a whisper, but you caught it. Your brown eyes ask me the questions, but I merely smile, drawing you up for a kiss. “Stay the night and I’ll tell you a story.”

Tonight you taught me that I would do anything, just to keep you by me.

Day 96

We got married today in the little chapel on the fifth floor. In attendance are us, the priest and God. When you were helping me into the chapel with the wheelchair for one of the nurses to push me down the aisle, Heechul and his Hankyung appears. I saw the look of surprise and utter gratitude that shines and pours from you when he helps me into a white tux you’d rented for the occasion. I heard the little sniffles when the rest of your friends arrive bearing gifts and well-wishes. I’d begun to get cold-feet then, ridiculous as it might sound.

“Don’t you dare leave that man at the altar, Kim Jong Woon.” My head snapped around soo fast I think I might’ve cricked something. There standing next to me was Cho Kyuhyun, his best friend.

“Kyu... What are you doing here?”

“That man-woman. Kim Heechul. He knows people, who know people.” He sniffs. To anyone else it would have been mistaken as disdain, but to me, it was actually a sign of reluctant respect. I smile, reaching out and curling my fingers with his. His eyes soften just then, leaning down, he hugs me and places a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Be happy, Yesung. You deserve to be happy.” He whispers, against my forehead.

I didn’t believe that I could’ve looked anything but a pale, sickly mess. But Heechul... He just tsks and applies some goop ( a lot of goop) on me and proclaims me pretty. And in the blink of an eye, I’m getting ready to be wheeled down the aisle.

“Kyu?” I whispered, just when the guests were getting into their seats. I spotted our parents in the front pew even though we had not told them. I’m sure I’ll get hell from my mother, but... “Kyu, I wanna walk.” He looks at me apprehensively, as if to ask ‘Are you sure?’ with his eyes. I nod. “I wanna walk to my husband. I wanna walk on my wedding day.” Kyu blinks and nods, holding me up easily by the waist.

The music begins to play, and we made our way down the aisle. I have never had that much trouble in that short of a distance to anywhere. Every step, every inch made me weaker than the one before. Every breath I took as I got closer to you, felt like daggers piercing my chest. At one point it looked like you wanted to come and help me. But I shook my head, so you held back, looking every part a nervous puppy. I wanted to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. I wanted you to see your bride walking down the aisle to you.

When you slipped your arm around my waist, I could feel the waves of relief that washed over me. I can’t help but to smile. You kiss my forehead as we faced the priest. When he pronounced us husbands till death do us part, I felt like a part of me break knowing that it will be soon. But you don’t notice. So I merely smile against your lips when you kiss me. Your friends Sungmin and Leeteuk threw confetti over us. There are flashes of cameras, and I feel like collapsing, but the look on your face, and the warmth of your body against mine makes the pain fade to the background.

Our honeymoon is a night in your room, the first time I’d been anywhere outside the hospital grounds in almost a year. We have dinner with our guests, but I could tell you are nervous about my state of health. I assure you I’m fine, but you still hold me close to you. Finally I got you to let go of me and relinquish me to Kyuhyun.

“Siwon didn’t know about this, and I’m a little out of practice. So forgive me.” I said as I sat down on the chair in front of the dinner table. “This song... Is for you, my Siwon.” Kyuhyun takes his place by the piano.

I hear you breathe
You’re lying close to me
The shadows gone
I have found my peace

Oooh You make me calm
With you I’m safe from harm
And right by your side
I’ll stay thru the night
‘til eternity
That’s the way it will be

And I wonder what you’re dreaming of
You’re so peaceful when you sleep
Everything I want everything I need is lying here in front of me

And if I ever lose my power to fly
Then your love takes me high
I’ll always be true to you
Sometimes I think I might lose it all
Guess the chances are small
Cause you hold me close I feel you near
Don’t let go say you’ll always be here
So just hold me tight and I’ll be fine
Dreaming you will always be mine

I catch your eye and smile. You wore this dumbstruck expression that I found... strangely cute.

Just like the sun
You make me warm inside
Like a soft summer breeze
A moment to seize
So true I won’t stop loving you

And I wonder what you’re dreaming of
You’re so peaceful when you sleep
Everything I want everything I need is lying here in front of me

My mother blows me a tearful kiss. I hold my fist to my chest. She’d always loved my voice. In all honesty, this is for her as well.

And if I ever lose my power to fly
Then your love takes me high
I’ll always be true to you
Sometimes I think I might lose it all
Guess the chances are small
Cause you hold me close I feel you near
Don’t let go say you’ll always be here
So just hold me tight and I’ll be fine
Dreaming you will always be mine

And I wonder what you’re dreaming of
You’re so peaceful when you sleep
Everything I want everything I need is lying here in front of me

And if I ever lose my power to fly
Then your love takes me high
I’ll always be true to you
Sometimes I think I might lose it all
Guess the chances are small
Cause you hold me close I feel you near
Don’t let go say you’ll always be here
So just hold me tight and I’ll be fine
Dreaming you will always be mine

When I end, I could see that there isn’t a single dry eye in sight. The daggers are back and they hurt worse than anything I’d experienced before. But I ignore it. Your smile... Is so bright. You envelope me, picking me up easily. I bury my face into your neck, feeling the rumbles as you made the excuses for us.

We retreat to the sanctuary of your room. It’s a nice room, everything about you shows in the decor; neat and masculine and oozing with your charm. You lay me on your bed, taking my shoes off first, then my jacket and shirt. You kiss my forehead, unbuckling my belt and tugging down my trousers. Ghosting your lips over my collarbone, you strip me of my briefs, scooping my up in a bridal style and bringing me into the tub in you bathroom.

“I had Ryeowook, Eunhyuk and Donghae prepare the bath for us.”

I gazed at the dimly lit bathroom; the windows lined with thick candles, bath steaming with vapour and smelling of roses. “I’m not a girl, you know.” I said, turning my face away so that you won’t see the heat rising. You say nothing, gently lowering me into the tub. The warmth of the water couldn’t have had been more perfect. I look up to see you stripping as well. Smiling, I lifted a hand in invitation. “Care to join me Mr. Choi?”

“Gladly Mrs. Choi.” You smiled, climbing in. You manoeuvre us until I am snug between your legs and resting against your chest. “Comfy?”

“Mmhmm...”

We sit there, synching our breaths and our heartbeats. I break the silence first. “Let’s do it tonight.” I keep my stare at the candles on the window sill.

“No.” The hardness in your voice is something I’d never expected.

“Why not?” I turn around. You intertwined our fingers, bringing it to your lips. “Why not Siwon?”

“You need to rest Sungie. It’s been a long day. We’re married now. It’s all that matters.” You smile trying to bring me in for a kiss, only to be pushed away. “Sungie?”

“Go away.” I grip the edge of the tub, trying to get up. Your hand comes up to grip me wrist. “Let go Siwon.” I seethed.

“Why do you wanna do it so much?!” You frowned, lips pursed. “I want you to rest. It’s been a long day.” I saw your expression morph from anger and annoyance to a soft pleading. “Sungie... I know it hurts you. I just... don’t want... Please?”

I stopped trying to get away at that. Slowly lowering myself back down, I hold his hand to my lips, tracing the ridges and valleys of his knuckles. Straddling him, I lift his face and kiss him. “It hurts. Yes, I won’t lie. It’ll hurt when I’m gasping for breath, it’ll hurt when you enter me. But I’m sure you got the lube somewhere and I’m sure if we prepare carefully, it won’t have to hurt bad.” I said, looking into his eyes. “Siwon, it’s my wedding night too. Don’t I have a say in this? Don’t you want to make love to me?” I whispered against his jaw. “I want you. Let me have you.” The daggers are a dull lull in my mind now. I need this. He pushes me back.

“Are you sure?” I nod.

When you finally enter me that night, it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. “I won’t break.” I cup your jaw when you lean over me. Smiling you answer me with a kiss.

That night we taught each other that love, lust and passion when used and mixed in the correct quantities can result in beautiful images captured and stored in the galleries of the mind.

Day 100

Breathing is hard today. Opening my eyes is... a chore. You hold me close, and when I ask if you are crying, you deny it, although I can hear it in the wobble of your voice. I smile though, against your neck. I feel like crying too, but I don’t think I can muster the tears.

“Baby?” I say. “I love you.”

We’re sitting under a tree. It’s not our tree on the hospital grounds, but it offers views of the blue, blue sky and a panoramic view of the city. It’s a beautiful day, not too warm, not too chilly. You’re holding me tight against you.

“I love you too.” I feel the saltiness of tears near my lips.

I chuckle. “Liar. My yobu is a crybaby. Ahh~ Don’t cry baby.”

You let loose a choked sob. “I’m sorry. I won’t cry.” But it only serves to make you cry harder. I reach and bring you down for a kiss.

“I was happy. For this period of time. I really was.” I said, kissing the back of your hand. “Thank you. My love. For making me the happiest person. For loving me. Even if it was just a short time. Thank you.”

You don’t answer, merely hold me closer to you as though I would fade away any moment. “I’m going to sing for you Choi Siwon. So remember my voice when I sing...” I said, curling my hand in his.

Just like the sun
You make me warm inside
Like a soft summer breeze
A moment to seize
So true I won’t stop loving you...

And if I ever lose my power to fly
Then your love takes me high
I’ll always be true to you
Sometimes I think I might lose it all
Guess the chances are small
Cause you hold me close I feel you near
Don’t let go say you’ll always be here
So just hold me tight and I’ll be fine
Dreaming you will always be mine....

Siwon, you never taught me how to be happy. You were my happiness. Thank you.

Day 1

I’ve been here for the better part of the year. The accident... had taken Kibum from me. Kibum. My Kibum. The one I love. I’d seen the ring in his jacket. My Kibum. The Kibum I love. The one I want to spend my life with.

I can’t talk. I can’t stay out of my room for too long. I can’t sing... And that’s the most frustrating. My mother loves me, I know that. But I don’t expect her to be a saint and stay around me the whole time. That’s why when she leaves the room, I go to the window and open them wide.

Fresh air. I missed this.

I bask in the sun. I hadn’t shed a tear for Kibum. I know I should, but... I don’t think I remember how to cry. I open my mouth and try to voice a syllable, but all that comes out is a scratchy gargle and it makes me want to... This window is three floors above the ground. If I jumped, all I’m getting is a broken leg. I want to just scream in the injustice.

It’s then that I see a lone figure walking towards the bench under the tree. He seems... Like a happy person. I wondered what he has to be happy about. I watch him as he leans back and watches the clouds. I follow his eyes, trying to see what he sees.

“Jong Woon? Come back into bed!” I turn around and nod. I cast one last glance at him. Maybe he can teach me something about happiness.

Day 102

The tombstone reads,

‘Kim Jong Woon
Beloved Husband, Son, Friend.
Your voice will be missed in the choir of this world.’

END