Fic: Hide all tears
Oct. 28th, 2010 12:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j_gabrielleTitle: Hide all tears
Pairing: broken!JongKey, Kyuhae, Kihae, ninja!OnHyun
Rating: NC-17 (to be safe)
Summary: It starts the day Kibum receives a package from Cho Kyuhyun.
A/N: In light of what has happened today, I just HAD to write something lest I combust. This is somewhat of a sequel to A dream of a reality and a reality of a dream and is written for the lovely![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rainofteardrops who is in need of some ♥... I love you?
It's okay. It'll be okay now.
Kibum does this thing with himself; he tells himself everyday that if Jonghyun loves him, he’ll say it out loud. But Jonghyun never says, and so Kibum never bothers because he knows that whatever happens, Jonghyun is, and always will be the one he loves.
When Kyuhyun-hyung goes missing, Kibum doesn't ask questions about why Donghae-hyung looks like he's a hollow shell and why the other members are all so drawn and tired. He receives something in the mail, an exact 15 days since they announced Cho Kyuhyun's disappearance on national television, 14 days and a half since the whole world began searching, 10 days since Leeteuk broke down on a show and pleaded Kyuhyun to just call, that they weren't mad, that all they wanted was for him to come home. Come home please.
Kibum has had 3 days of understanding, 9 days of wondering. Wondering whether he would miss him. Understanding that sometimes sanity doesn't come in a clear and packaged form. He keeps the truth of Cho Kyuhyun in the same place where he keeps all the other things; in the back of his wardrobe beneath the loose floorboards with pictures and spare bits of nothing. Kibum’s not stupid. He knows the difference between reality and his own private fantasy. And he tells himself this every time he thinks that he might just follow Kyuhyun to his bridge in Paris.
He knows his handwriting well by now having read his diary back and forth more times than he can count. Kibum wonders though, as he watches the news anchor update the public on Cho Kyuhyun, why had he chosen to send this to him? This book that contained his words, contained his soul. It wasn't like they'd been particularly close before.
I see him. So clear. But I don't think I can tell which one he is.
Shin Se Kyung is beautiful. She is sweet, polite, and undeniably perfect. She is perfect the way Kibum can never be. She brings the light into Jonghyun's eyes, causes hands that used to hold his, hold hers instead. She makes him laugh, and lets them all see a side of him they've not seen in a long, long time. Shin Se Kyung is the girl that stole Jonghyun's heart, even before they'd said hello.
Jonghyun is his best mate, his confidante, his brother. They've known each other for almost a decade now, almost the length of his teenage years. They're the best, the best of anything and everything. And Kibum fucking loves him. Loves him to the point where it hurts. And he'll hold his tongue, keep his silence, hide this secret and bring it with him to his grave.
Kibum takes up smoking. It was easy both being in a profession where someone smokes at one point or another. It's easy to just take a stick and buy a pack for himself. He smokes on the rooftops, balconies and back alleyways. It's easy, to watch the smoke linger in the air, coloured by the lights. These days it's easy to forget that he lives with 4 other persons. It's too quiet, and even with the food he cooks, there will always be some dishes he throws into the bin.
I see them together and I burn with jealousy and anger. And then I see him again. And I can smile.
He takes up clubbing. He always goes in a skirt and a flowing top, wearing a wig that curls and falls down his back. The men he kisses have no idea that there is an adams apple under the black band around his throat and he leaves just before anything can progress beyond the groping. But there was one close call when one guy decides he likes it rough and slaps him hard before ripping his top. The end of this little side story is that that man might not be able to reproduce anymore when Kibum was done with him. There's a red bloom on his cheek that quickly turns black and blue and a busted lip. He hides under his covers for two days and merely mutters when Jinki asks if he's okay.
No one notices when there are female clothes in the wash.
The cigarettes lose their thrill soon enough and he's not stupid enough to dabble in drugs. Kim Kibum likes it better when he's sane and stone cold sober, thank you very much. He takes up cutting instead. Small strokes that don't break the skin, merely making it swell and heat. It sends a shiver up his spine when he discovers he can actually get away with it. He starts wearing longer sleeves and keeps a distance from others so that they won't notice, won't accidentally cause him to be discovered. It thrills him.
I don't think I can bear to leave him any longer... I miss him even when he's next to me.
He tries not to dream, knowing why Kyuhyun goes where he goes. But the temptation is strong.
Jonghyun brings her home for dinner one weekend. Kibum has made his favourite dishes when she arrives with dishes of her own. She apologises, not knowing he'd be cooking. He merely states that hers will taste better anyways. When the other crowd around her, like bees to honey, he scrapes a whole day's worth of effort into the bin. It's ok. It's not like he'd not been doing it for the past few weeks anyways. That night, right after dinner, he retreats to his own room and reads Kyuhyun's words while listening to his voice floating through his headphones.
It's okay. It's really okay.
He sees Heechul straddling a stool in this obscure place he visits after Jonghyun goes to send her home. "One for me please." He says to the bartender.
"I should stop you, you know?" The older man states with a curl to his lips. "Be a good hyung and shit.."
Kibum scoffs, nodding his thanks when the bartender brings his drink around. "If you'd wanted to be a role model hyung, you have to wait till you're born again. You're a little too old to start in this lifetime." He smiles around the the rim of his glass when Heechul chuckles. They end up too drunk and Siwon comes to pick them both up and he wakes up with a major hangover on the couch in Super Junior's dorms. He shuffles to the kitchen and Ryeowook is there throwing him a sympathetic smile and an offering of Haejangguk. He doesn't notice it when Donghae sits down next to him.
Kibum feels the urge to start throwing punches, to rip this man apart. To shake him and make him understand, that yes, you're the reason we may never find Cho Kyuhyun's body. But the impulse passes when Kibum walks in and plants a kiss on his forehead and smiles at him.
'Was this what you saw?' He quietly asks as he drinks his soup.
Leeteuk drops him off and he sees his members in the living room, all apparently worried.
"Why didn't you call?" Jinki admonishes quietly.
"You made us all worried." Minho says in that quiet voice of his.
Taemin hugs him and murmurs, "Don't do that again."
Jonghyun sits on his side of the sofa and says nothing, looking at him with unreadable emotions painting his face. Kibum wishes then that he was strong enough to make this man love him too. Wishes he had half of what it pushed Kyuhyun to make his decision. But he has nothing. so he merely smiles, ruffles the magnae's hair and apologises to his leader.
The others don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. I'm in love. With two who are the same. With two I must choose.
There are still many pages left in the diary, so he picks up his pen and writes where Kyuhyun leaves off. His writing may not be as beautiful as his, but it legible. And that's okay.
Shit hits the fan soon enough and Jonghyun is the one who feels the brunt of the company's wrath that he's dating too soon. Jinki feels it's his fault, the younger ones are telling him it's not. And Kibum just wants to run away. So he does.
He doesn't send a letter to Shin Se Kyung, he doesn't leave with confrontations and confessions. In fact, when he leaves Jinki is the one who sends him to the airport.
"Take care. I'll hold everyone off." He pauses. "Just come back okay?" Kibum nods, turning to enter the gate when he feels Jinki's hands clasp on his wrist. The older boy draws him into a hug. "You're not the only who loves him, Kibum." He whispers into the his ear. Kibum doesn't look back when he walks away.
He tries to see what Kyuhyun sees, tries to capture the things that captivated him. What little French he knows brings him to the bridge where there's a small offerings of flowers at the middle of the bridge. He asks around and finds out that there was a man, not too long ago, who'd fallen off the bridge. Some have said that he wasn't alone and that he'd been holding the hand of another man when they'd jumped. Kibum goes back there everyday he's in Paris.
Kibum,
You're reading this. So this is yours. This book. I'm mailing two things today, and this is one of it. You might never know why I sent this to you, but I hope you'll just take it as it is; a gift from a hyung. Throw it away, burn it, give it to one of my members, I can't care what you do with it. It's yours.
I'm tired, Kibum. Very tired. I'm tired of pretending I don't love him, tired of wanting to. In this reality at least. I love him. In the other reality. You might never get it, but that's okay. I don't think anyone will ever do. I'm not crazy despite what some of my members might tell you. But I can't live in this reality. Not when all I feel is pain. Not when I know this is merely the dream of a dream.
I love Lee Donghae. I love him then, now and always. I love him in this reality and the other. I love him the way you love Jonghyun. I know you do, I've seen how you look at him. Nothing good will come from it, Kibum. But I know that you, like me, are in too deep to care whether we hurt ourselves or someone else in our love. Kibum, even if it kills you, if you want to stay in this reality you'll need to forget him. Forget love, forget your heart.
I'll be going to Paris, because that's where we always are. Because that's where I'll be going to meet him.
The other reality is calling me and I have made my decision Kibum. I chose my reality. And this isn't it. I'll be waking up from my dream. How will you wake?
Kyuhyun
Kibum has read this letter more times than he could count. It came with the leather bound journal that held Cho Kyuhyun's final writings. He doesn't fully understand half of what the man had wrote when he'd first received it, doesn't really now. And he keeps it for reasons unknown; there was just something about a secret you know that the others don't.
He smooths his hands over the cold stone of the ledge. Even until now, he doesn't think Kyuhyun was crazy. How could love be crazy? The pages of the journal fluttered in the wind. The moment is broken by the ringing of his phone.
"You..."
"Hello Jonghyun." He greets curtly.
"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?" A pause. "When are you coming back?" He doesn't particularly sound upset.
Kibum doesn't answer, but merely studies the Eiffel out in the distance. Return? What was there to return to? "I don't know... There's still much to see."
"I miss you." Jonghyun says suddenly. "I-I know I haven't been the best friend anyone could hope for, but I miss you." He laughs, and Kibum can just imagine his eyes crinkling in amusement. "You were always there, and when you weren't it just kinda felt... weird."
Kibum is trying his damn hardest not to cry. He pushes the phone to his chest, wiping furiously at his tears. "You never know what you got till it's gone." He whispers, proud that his voice doesn't break. "You have her now..."
"But she's not you..." Jonghyun states. Kibum wishes it weren't this hard.
"Yeah... Yeah. She's not me. But she is better than me." Kibum looks at the journal laid in front of him, placing a hand over it. "She provides better company than me I'm sure. I only bitch at you." He states with tired mirth tinting his words.
"She's not you."
"I know. I'm the one and only fucking Almighty Key. You can't be me." Kibum relishes in the warm laughter that comes through to him. Sighing, he watches the wind take the cloud of his breath away.
Jonghyun says quietly, "I love you Kim Kibum." And really, he doesn't have anything to say to that.
Kibum has this thing he does; he waits till Jonghyun says he loves him and he does, Kibum will tell him that he loves him too. But when Jonghyun finally says that he loves him, Kibum merely says, "But you love her." Jonghyun doesn't understand, and that's ok. Because he is never meant to understand.
Cho Kyuhyun chose, and it's his turn. He looks up to the heavens, climbing on the ledge. "We could grow old together, have lifetimes together." He whispers, watching the Seine run beneath him. "You chose your reality." He holds out the journal. "I choose mine." And lets go.
A/N: I'm just... Coping. Don't mind me. *sniffles*
Pairing: broken!JongKey, Kyuhae, Kihae, ninja!OnHyun
Rating: NC-17 (to be safe)
Summary: It starts the day Kibum receives a package from Cho Kyuhyun.
A/N: In light of what has happened today, I just HAD to write something lest I combust. This is somewhat of a sequel to A dream of a reality and a reality of a dream and is written for the lovely
rainofteardrops who is in need of some ♥... I love you?It's okay. It'll be okay now.
Kibum does this thing with himself; he tells himself everyday that if Jonghyun loves him, he’ll say it out loud. But Jonghyun never says, and so Kibum never bothers because he knows that whatever happens, Jonghyun is, and always will be the one he loves.
When Kyuhyun-hyung goes missing, Kibum doesn't ask questions about why Donghae-hyung looks like he's a hollow shell and why the other members are all so drawn and tired. He receives something in the mail, an exact 15 days since they announced Cho Kyuhyun's disappearance on national television, 14 days and a half since the whole world began searching, 10 days since Leeteuk broke down on a show and pleaded Kyuhyun to just call, that they weren't mad, that all they wanted was for him to come home. Come home please.
Kibum has had 3 days of understanding, 9 days of wondering. Wondering whether he would miss him. Understanding that sometimes sanity doesn't come in a clear and packaged form. He keeps the truth of Cho Kyuhyun in the same place where he keeps all the other things; in the back of his wardrobe beneath the loose floorboards with pictures and spare bits of nothing. Kibum’s not stupid. He knows the difference between reality and his own private fantasy. And he tells himself this every time he thinks that he might just follow Kyuhyun to his bridge in Paris.
He knows his handwriting well by now having read his diary back and forth more times than he can count. Kibum wonders though, as he watches the news anchor update the public on Cho Kyuhyun, why had he chosen to send this to him? This book that contained his words, contained his soul. It wasn't like they'd been particularly close before.
I see him. So clear. But I don't think I can tell which one he is.
Shin Se Kyung is beautiful. She is sweet, polite, and undeniably perfect. She is perfect the way Kibum can never be. She brings the light into Jonghyun's eyes, causes hands that used to hold his, hold hers instead. She makes him laugh, and lets them all see a side of him they've not seen in a long, long time. Shin Se Kyung is the girl that stole Jonghyun's heart, even before they'd said hello.
Jonghyun is his best mate, his confidante, his brother. They've known each other for almost a decade now, almost the length of his teenage years. They're the best, the best of anything and everything. And Kibum fucking loves him. Loves him to the point where it hurts. And he'll hold his tongue, keep his silence, hide this secret and bring it with him to his grave.
Kibum takes up smoking. It was easy both being in a profession where someone smokes at one point or another. It's easy to just take a stick and buy a pack for himself. He smokes on the rooftops, balconies and back alleyways. It's easy, to watch the smoke linger in the air, coloured by the lights. These days it's easy to forget that he lives with 4 other persons. It's too quiet, and even with the food he cooks, there will always be some dishes he throws into the bin.
I see them together and I burn with jealousy and anger. And then I see him again. And I can smile.
He takes up clubbing. He always goes in a skirt and a flowing top, wearing a wig that curls and falls down his back. The men he kisses have no idea that there is an adams apple under the black band around his throat and he leaves just before anything can progress beyond the groping. But there was one close call when one guy decides he likes it rough and slaps him hard before ripping his top. The end of this little side story is that that man might not be able to reproduce anymore when Kibum was done with him. There's a red bloom on his cheek that quickly turns black and blue and a busted lip. He hides under his covers for two days and merely mutters when Jinki asks if he's okay.
No one notices when there are female clothes in the wash.
The cigarettes lose their thrill soon enough and he's not stupid enough to dabble in drugs. Kim Kibum likes it better when he's sane and stone cold sober, thank you very much. He takes up cutting instead. Small strokes that don't break the skin, merely making it swell and heat. It sends a shiver up his spine when he discovers he can actually get away with it. He starts wearing longer sleeves and keeps a distance from others so that they won't notice, won't accidentally cause him to be discovered. It thrills him.
I don't think I can bear to leave him any longer... I miss him even when he's next to me.
He tries not to dream, knowing why Kyuhyun goes where he goes. But the temptation is strong.
Jonghyun brings her home for dinner one weekend. Kibum has made his favourite dishes when she arrives with dishes of her own. She apologises, not knowing he'd be cooking. He merely states that hers will taste better anyways. When the other crowd around her, like bees to honey, he scrapes a whole day's worth of effort into the bin. It's ok. It's not like he'd not been doing it for the past few weeks anyways. That night, right after dinner, he retreats to his own room and reads Kyuhyun's words while listening to his voice floating through his headphones.
It's okay. It's really okay.
He sees Heechul straddling a stool in this obscure place he visits after Jonghyun goes to send her home. "One for me please." He says to the bartender.
"I should stop you, you know?" The older man states with a curl to his lips. "Be a good hyung and shit.."
Kibum scoffs, nodding his thanks when the bartender brings his drink around. "If you'd wanted to be a role model hyung, you have to wait till you're born again. You're a little too old to start in this lifetime." He smiles around the the rim of his glass when Heechul chuckles. They end up too drunk and Siwon comes to pick them both up and he wakes up with a major hangover on the couch in Super Junior's dorms. He shuffles to the kitchen and Ryeowook is there throwing him a sympathetic smile and an offering of Haejangguk. He doesn't notice it when Donghae sits down next to him.
Kibum feels the urge to start throwing punches, to rip this man apart. To shake him and make him understand, that yes, you're the reason we may never find Cho Kyuhyun's body. But the impulse passes when Kibum walks in and plants a kiss on his forehead and smiles at him.
'Was this what you saw?' He quietly asks as he drinks his soup.
Leeteuk drops him off and he sees his members in the living room, all apparently worried.
"Why didn't you call?" Jinki admonishes quietly.
"You made us all worried." Minho says in that quiet voice of his.
Taemin hugs him and murmurs, "Don't do that again."
Jonghyun sits on his side of the sofa and says nothing, looking at him with unreadable emotions painting his face. Kibum wishes then that he was strong enough to make this man love him too. Wishes he had half of what it pushed Kyuhyun to make his decision. But he has nothing. so he merely smiles, ruffles the magnae's hair and apologises to his leader.
The others don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. I'm in love. With two who are the same. With two I must choose.
There are still many pages left in the diary, so he picks up his pen and writes where Kyuhyun leaves off. His writing may not be as beautiful as his, but it legible. And that's okay.
Shit hits the fan soon enough and Jonghyun is the one who feels the brunt of the company's wrath that he's dating too soon. Jinki feels it's his fault, the younger ones are telling him it's not. And Kibum just wants to run away. So he does.
He doesn't send a letter to Shin Se Kyung, he doesn't leave with confrontations and confessions. In fact, when he leaves Jinki is the one who sends him to the airport.
"Take care. I'll hold everyone off." He pauses. "Just come back okay?" Kibum nods, turning to enter the gate when he feels Jinki's hands clasp on his wrist. The older boy draws him into a hug. "You're not the only who loves him, Kibum." He whispers into the his ear. Kibum doesn't look back when he walks away.
He tries to see what Kyuhyun sees, tries to capture the things that captivated him. What little French he knows brings him to the bridge where there's a small offerings of flowers at the middle of the bridge. He asks around and finds out that there was a man, not too long ago, who'd fallen off the bridge. Some have said that he wasn't alone and that he'd been holding the hand of another man when they'd jumped. Kibum goes back there everyday he's in Paris.
Kibum,
You're reading this. So this is yours. This book. I'm mailing two things today, and this is one of it. You might never know why I sent this to you, but I hope you'll just take it as it is; a gift from a hyung. Throw it away, burn it, give it to one of my members, I can't care what you do with it. It's yours.
I'm tired, Kibum. Very tired. I'm tired of pretending I don't love him, tired of wanting to. In this reality at least. I love him. In the other reality. You might never get it, but that's okay. I don't think anyone will ever do. I'm not crazy despite what some of my members might tell you. But I can't live in this reality. Not when all I feel is pain. Not when I know this is merely the dream of a dream.
I love Lee Donghae. I love him then, now and always. I love him in this reality and the other. I love him the way you love Jonghyun. I know you do, I've seen how you look at him. Nothing good will come from it, Kibum. But I know that you, like me, are in too deep to care whether we hurt ourselves or someone else in our love. Kibum, even if it kills you, if you want to stay in this reality you'll need to forget him. Forget love, forget your heart.
I'll be going to Paris, because that's where we always are. Because that's where I'll be going to meet him.
The other reality is calling me and I have made my decision Kibum. I chose my reality. And this isn't it. I'll be waking up from my dream. How will you wake?
Kyuhyun
Kibum has read this letter more times than he could count. It came with the leather bound journal that held Cho Kyuhyun's final writings. He doesn't fully understand half of what the man had wrote when he'd first received it, doesn't really now. And he keeps it for reasons unknown; there was just something about a secret you know that the others don't.
He smooths his hands over the cold stone of the ledge. Even until now, he doesn't think Kyuhyun was crazy. How could love be crazy? The pages of the journal fluttered in the wind. The moment is broken by the ringing of his phone.
"You..."
"Hello Jonghyun." He greets curtly.
"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?" A pause. "When are you coming back?" He doesn't particularly sound upset.
Kibum doesn't answer, but merely studies the Eiffel out in the distance. Return? What was there to return to? "I don't know... There's still much to see."
"I miss you." Jonghyun says suddenly. "I-I know I haven't been the best friend anyone could hope for, but I miss you." He laughs, and Kibum can just imagine his eyes crinkling in amusement. "You were always there, and when you weren't it just kinda felt... weird."
Kibum is trying his damn hardest not to cry. He pushes the phone to his chest, wiping furiously at his tears. "You never know what you got till it's gone." He whispers, proud that his voice doesn't break. "You have her now..."
"But she's not you..." Jonghyun states. Kibum wishes it weren't this hard.
"Yeah... Yeah. She's not me. But she is better than me." Kibum looks at the journal laid in front of him, placing a hand over it. "She provides better company than me I'm sure. I only bitch at you." He states with tired mirth tinting his words.
"She's not you."
"I know. I'm the one and only fucking Almighty Key. You can't be me." Kibum relishes in the warm laughter that comes through to him. Sighing, he watches the wind take the cloud of his breath away.
Jonghyun says quietly, "I love you Kim Kibum." And really, he doesn't have anything to say to that.
Kibum has this thing he does; he waits till Jonghyun says he loves him and he does, Kibum will tell him that he loves him too. But when Jonghyun finally says that he loves him, Kibum merely says, "But you love her." Jonghyun doesn't understand, and that's ok. Because he is never meant to understand.
Cho Kyuhyun chose, and it's his turn. He looks up to the heavens, climbing on the ledge. "We could grow old together, have lifetimes together." He whispers, watching the Seine run beneath him. "You chose your reality." He holds out the journal. "I choose mine." And lets go.
A/N: I'm just... Coping. Don't mind me. *sniffles*
